Ikea employees Satan's engineering group (I have circumstancial evidence)

I want to preface this by saying I'm no stranger to assembling furniture. From the very easy pow, bang, zap screw that is my wine rack from crate and barrel (MARVELOUSLY engineered), to the huge desk from wal-mart that wanted to see my fingers severed and drink my blood. But hey, what do I expect? It was from Wal-Mart, and it was a fairly complex structure with moving parts and plenty of items perfect for lacerations and limb severing. But I've seen my battles, got the scars to prove it, so a simple bookshelf from Ikea. No sweat. Bring my Philips, my coke zero, and a celebratory bottle of wine, and I'm good to go.

So we have this other bookshelf we are replacing because it is too tall. The last thing you want is your new family explorer pulling a 6 foot bookshelf on top of them while playing "Indian Jones and the Bookshelf of Mysteries" or some such nonsense. So we buy a foot shelf instead, so she can play "Indiana Jones and the Bookshelf of Mysteries that Won't Result in Instant Death if a Trap is Sprung". Why is the size of this bookshelf important to this story you ask? Because really, how hard can a four foot tall bookshelf be to put together? Well my friends, this is where our story begins.

Hypothesis #1 -- Ikea Engineers can't design easy to assemble furniture, but they are adept at subtly engineering strokes and heart attacks

So I go to open the box. The items are innocuous enough. Several slats of wood, some screws which I promptly prick my finger with, little dowel rods, and these little things called cam locks. Now I'm no stranger to Cam locks, but never before have I dealt with cam locks that not only wanted to fight me, but eat my soul and sanity as well. I'm pretty sure they were possessed by souls from R'lyeh, but that's just a theory. More research required.

Anyway, I laid everything out. Very organized and neat. My #1 board, all the way to number 13. There were 2 #4's. Don't pay too much attention to this right now (as I didn't), but that fact comes into play a little later. So everything is all laid out, ready to go. Dowel rods go in these holes, cam screws in those holes. And Cam locks in those holes. Oh, but not to far in, because if they go too far in, it won't catch the screw.

Now the holes for the cam locks don't hold them very well. They are very loose fitting, until they manage to get to the back of the hole (where they aren't supposed to be), because then a hammer and the force of an angry fucking gorilla is probably not going to succeed at knocking them loose. Anyway, all screws are go, time to assemble. Here is a direct quote from the instruction manual "Slide holes at ends of rails dowels and cam bolts extending from left side. Tighten cam bolts" I got "Tighten Cam Bolts", but the rest in context had me throwing the booklet on the floor yelling "ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT!?"

Hypothesis #2 -- Ikea Engineers can't design easy to assemble furniture, but they are awesome at causing familial strife.

So the wife walks in at this point. This can never be good. Her statement is calm, soothing, but the magic of the bookshelf turns it into an insult "Is there anything I can do to help?" she says. But this is not what I hear. I hear "You are a dumb motherfucker for not being able to put this bookshelf together with your eyes closed. Should your PREGNANT wife take this job over?". Of course, hearing that, I get instantly more frusterated. Its working, Sauron is speaking to me though the bookshelf causing anger and strife in one harmless sentence. But I take a deep breath. YOU WILL NOT HAVE MY SOUL OH SPAWN OF SATAN! In Jesus name, get thee behind me oh abyssal bookshelf. "Well, look at the directions. It says the number 4 plan goes here, and attaches like this."
"Well this is number 4 right here on the floor"

"I know that. There are two number 4's." In my mind, if they are both labeled #4, they must be the same right? Logic tells us that is true. Why on earth would anyone do it differently? That's just stupid.

"Well just try it" She says to me. After some huffing and puffing, I do. Now the boards at a glance look exactly the same, until you notice that for some reason, one of the # 4's is about a half inch shorter. So of course it works. "YOU'RE SO GODDAMNED SMART, DO IT YOURSELF"!

The celebratory bottle of wine gets opened early. I have a glass...then another, and I'm armed with a new found patience. I walk back into the room after a few minutes. My wife smiling at me, stifling a laugh. It's a jeer, but a couple of glasses of wine make it easier to eat crow.


Hypthesis #3 -- Ikea Engineers can't design easy to assemble furniture, period.

Now back to the cam-locks. The instructions (after much deciphering and using a Navajo language reference off the internet to crack the code) tell you that once you have the cam crews in place, its as easy as turning the cam-locks clockwise to lock them in place. Simple enough, I've done this on many a piece of furniture in the past, and it wasn't hard, and typically worked with a couple exceptions. In this particular box, there were 22 cam locks.With ease of use, there were 22 exceptions to the "ease" part. Besides having to make sure they don't slip to far in the over drilled holes, they just didn't work. After 4 hours, a sore hand from applying torque forces that would have busted rusty 1/2 inch screws, the bookshelf was together, but wobbly. At 11 at night, I found myself driving nails in with a hammer to stabilize the damn thing, which had i decided to take that route in the first place, the whole thing probably would have taken 15 minutes.

ROFLMAO!

I hate putting self-assembly shite together, I'm with you all the way: especially the wife part. Its when they not only know best but can also prove it.
~FC

So true, so true. The toy box, w/ the added demonspawn springlatch, was a killer. The kiddie bed whos drawers fell apart a week later was merely torturous.

Maybe Crawley from Good Omens has something to do with it. It is his style afterall.

LOL I just think those guys are crappy designers

Maybe it's because I have a degree in engineering (okay, an associate's, but hey), have training in reading blue prints, had East Indian teachers for the first ten years of my life, have visited South Korea and Japan, studied Latin, Spanish, Italian, and Korean, have a tool box containing more tools than a well-stocked machine shop, keep a copy of the Necronomicon nearby, and insist on sending all family members to the opposite end of the house on pain of a sound tongue lashing if they should dare trespass on my assembly rites, but I've never really had a problem with the DItY furniture.

I even pick up desks and bookcases that other people are throwing away and reconstruct them into new pieces.

UUhhhhhh... sweet

That is why I make my own furniture. No cam locks. And my 4 ft bookshelf has doubled as a work platform for two men that are at minimum 250 lbs each.